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Three Disturbing Reasons why I like the NES.

1. The NES Rules.

       Seriously, what other console do you know of can pull off an eight-hundred video game library using only eight buttons and eight bit graphics? What other console has imperfections that remind you that nobody's perfect, just like you? What other console needs a hit to get her going, just like your fiancÚ? None, that's who.

       And even though the NES wasn't the console that started it all, it's always impressive to see the games that inspired many of the games that are released today. Kind of like looking at cave drawings of apes turning on lights, or looking back at horse carriages and thinking how dumb we were to use food for transportation rather than use man made machines and missing out on the taste of horses.

2. The NES is Sexy.

Go ahead, play with my power.       What's sexier?: A console that's big and has a cool color scheme, or a console that's so confident of its sexiness it comes in the form of a gray and black box? And if you had trouble answering that question, you wouldn't understand. The NES has controllers that come with a mere four feet of cord, telling you "you aren't going anywhere, I've got you on a leash!" rather than the controllers with lots of cord that are coming out today.

       Oh and it's got toys, too. Like the power glove and the zap gun. C'mon, how much more sexually implied can you get? We've all cracked the "now you're playing with power" jokes, but we all know that behind that sarcasm is truth, truth the the NES and its toys are dead sexy. Zzzap!

3. Wearing NES Shirts Attract Hot Dumb Girls

       While most of this is true, please note that this is only half truth, the other half relies on you being somewhat attractive yourself. What do girls like when it comes to video games? Well, the smart ones probably like ones that are fun, right? Of course. And the dumb girls prefer ones that are simple right? Thus dumb girls will like you for your NES shirt. Mind you, I'm not calling you stupid because you like the NES, but chances are only dumb girls will like the NES, unless they're punk-retro chicks, in which case you've got a bigger catch on your hands.

       Ugly girls are probably really shy and self-conscious about their looks, and aren't outgoing unless they're at a buffet and are asked what they'd like to eat. With that assumption, you can assume that the attractive girls are more than willing to talk to people if it means you'll look at the fifteen pounds of makeup lacing their skulls (and the other fifteen pounds down south).

       So you've got a stupid hot girl in your proximity who thinks you're somewhat of a catch, and sees your NES shirt. Bingo, the NES reminds her of when she put very little effort into having loads of fun, and it was probably the only thing with buttons on it that she could understand. Therefore, the button-hitting experience made her feel as smart as she did when she learned how to read at age 12, and since the NES isn't around anymore she'll assume you know where to hook her up to where she can feel as smart as that four-eyed cripple.

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