Three Disturbing Reasons why I like the NES.
1. The NES Rules.
what other console do you know of can pull off an eight-hundred
video game library using only eight buttons and eight bit
graphics? What other console has imperfections that remind you
that nobody's perfect, just like you? What other console needs a
hit to get her going, just like your fiancÚ? None, that's who.
though the NES wasn't the console that started it all, it's always
impressive to see the games that inspired many of the games that
are released today. Kind of like looking at cave drawings of apes
turning on lights, or looking back at horse carriages and thinking
how dumb we were to use food for transportation rather than use
man made machines and missing out on the taste of horses.
2. The NES is Sexy.
What's sexier?: A console that's big and has a cool color
scheme, or a console that's so confident of its sexiness it comes
in the form of a gray and black box? And if you had trouble
answering that question, you wouldn't understand. The NES has
controllers that come with a mere four feet of cord, telling you
"you aren't going anywhere, I've got you on a leash!"
rather than the controllers with lots of cord that are coming out
Oh and it's
got toys, too. Like the power glove and the zap gun. C'mon, how
much more sexually implied can you get? We've all cracked the
"now you're playing with power" jokes, but we all know
that behind that sarcasm is truth, truth the the NES and its toys
are dead sexy. Zzzap!
3. Wearing NES Shirts Attract Hot Dumb Girls
While most of this is true, please note that this is only half
truth, the other half relies on you being somewhat attractive
yourself. What do girls like when it comes to video games? Well,
the smart ones probably like ones that are fun, right? Of course.
And the dumb girls prefer ones that are simple right? Thus dumb
girls will like you for your NES shirt. Mind you, I'm not calling
you stupid because you like the NES, but chances are only dumb
girls will like the NES, unless they're punk-retro chicks, in
which case you've got a bigger catch on your hands.
Ugly girls are probably
really shy and self-conscious about their looks, and aren't
outgoing unless they're at a buffet and are asked what they'd like
to eat. With that assumption, you can assume that the attractive
girls are more than willing to talk to people if it means you'll
look at the fifteen pounds of makeup lacing their skulls (and the
other fifteen pounds down south).
So you've got a stupid hot
girl in your proximity who thinks you're somewhat of a catch, and
sees your NES shirt. Bingo, the NES reminds her of when she put
very little effort into having loads of fun, and it was probably
the only thing with buttons on it that she could understand.
Therefore, the button-hitting experience made her feel as smart as
she did when she learned how to read at age 12, and since the NES
isn't around anymore she'll assume you know where to hook her up
to where she can feel as smart as that four-eyed cripple.
Across The Street:
Submit your opinions to me here.
Find other kick ass articles in the NES community.
Get yours: S | M