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Bomb-Omb's Corner Of Duds

Total Recall

Business in the front, party in the back. Mullets! As much as I love 'em, Total Recall actually slaps them onto little people and has them attack Arnold in their PJs!  You're Arnold, a 2d  character in a 3d world, making things not only ugly to the eye, but also very hard to tell what's ground and what's the impending pit of doom. I had to play Marathon Man Dentist with this game before landing on what appeared to be ground, repeating the question "Is it safe?" To which the ground would reply "Yes, it's very safe, safe as it can be." Naturally, it's not safe, and I take one of Dustin Hoffman's teeth out for telling me such horrible things (go see Marathon Man you blank staring peeps). 

You get rewarded for watching the credits, almost like saying "Pleeeeeease watch who made this, we'll give you candy!" They also stuck them at the beginning of the game, as if they knew you wouldn't stay till the end anyways. The streets are flooded with little unshaven mullet bearing, jumpsuit wearing men who attack from alleys, garbage cans, and using their driver's license to throw snowballs at you (they're not rocks, rocks don't disappear on impact). And it gets better, you go into the subway where you get attacked by dogs 3x the size of their owners, and gun bearing guards (of whom you can steal their firearms). Great! I'm on the second stage of an action game and I'm finally handed a firearm! This game got sooo much better, 'cause you can't get much worse than your fist which you've been using and can't reach the width of your body. Then this game thinks it's cool by going into split screen environment where the AI (in trench coats mind you, I think they make the midgets appear bigger) tries attacking you through a wall. And following that charade is an Abadox shooter scenario. 

Midget in sombraro appearing from garbage can with pp7, a car that is closer to you than Arnold yet appears like it should be behind him, and a sewer drain on the SIDEWALK... woah, too much for me. (are those cube bushes?) I know what you're thinking, "Bomb-Omb, if you hate this game so much why did you play so far into it?" I mean, after all, playing 3/4ths into the game and whining about how bad it is is like complaining about how bad a whopper tastes after eating 3/4ths the way into it. Well, I felt compelled to kill the midgets, I'd never thought I'd say this, but, this game drove me to hate mullets with a passion. That, and, you can't honestly review how bad a game is without playing more than one stage into it... unless you're Seanbaby who was actually smart enough to stop at the first stage. Me? I'm just a bomb. For shame, Acclaim, you have yet to meet my action satisfaction.

Back to Bomb-Omb's Corner Of Duds


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