T!: Mario, thank you for agreeing to this interview, to start off, is there anything you'd like to tell your loyal fans?

Mario: Yes; Fans, as much as you'd like to be like me, please, for God's sake do not go into the wild and eat mushrooms and glowing flowers. 

T!: Well said. Mario, how did you come to gain the ability of eating mushrooms and growing twice your size?

Mario: Well, see, the mushrooms aren't really making me grow twice my size by themselves, there's actually a mental aspect involved. My dad used to feed me mushrooms whenever he'd film me as a child, I was very camera shy because I was told by a young John Goodman that the camera adds ten pounds. I came to believe this so strictly that I actually grew ten pounds whenever there was a camera on me. So when I eat a mushroom I add ten pounds, thus growing twice my size.

T!: Wait... so you weigh ten pounds?

Mario: ... it's a medical disorder. I went down in Guinness as the world's lightest 8-bit character. To the right is a picture of  William Frawley taking my measurements with his machine.

T!: The William Frawley?

Mario: Yes, he was an inventor after he was a star. This gadget to his right allowed him to weigh 2D characters in your world. He also invented a machine that would beep every time a politician told a lie, but it never worked.

T!: Why not?

Mario: Dunno, for some reason it emitted nothing but a high pitch beep for the entire interviews.

T!: So, when you discovered that you could spit fire after eating those special flowers, how did you first use it?

Mario: Well... truth be told... I uh... I used to smoke tobacco. Uh... and I uh... well my spittoon suddenly burst into flames one day while I was spitting. I knew it must've been something I ate, the only things I remember eating were chicken livers and flowers so I tried for the more delicious of the two and ate a flower. Later that week I sneezed on my walk home from work and, well, I set the Sega company on fire. The photo here is from Interpol.

T!: Amazing. So, your brother Luigi, why wasn't he the world's lightest  8-bit character?

Mario: Luigi is actually my clone. Nintendo cloned me on my first game of the series "Mario Bros." (In Donkey Kong they just dressed me up in different clothes, we had to clone me for Mario Bros because we were both on the screen at the same time) and he and I were arch enemies dueling over coins in an ever going maze of pipes and monsters. Eventually Luigi started trying to loose more weight than I, appalled by my record, he wanted to break it. But Nintendo wouldn't let him, and made him undergo torture until he would stop.

T!: Torture?

Mario: Stretch torture, he gave in without even knowing it. The less he talked the more he stretched and the more he grew! I, in the end, kept the record, and Luigi just got leftovers.

T!: Wow, a truly amazing story. Well, Mario, I'd like to thank you for being here with us at T! True NES Stories.

Mario: 'Twas a plea- ACHOO!

T!: Oh dear GOD! Get the fire extinguisher!

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